I’ve hesitated to write about what we’ve been going through since Caleb’s passing. So many people we encounter offer their condolences, sympathy, prayers and well-wishes, and we are so thankful for all of them. It’s been an interesting journey, to say the least, and yes, the pain has been real and intense.
I don’t remember experiencing a significant loss previously in my life. Yes, I had experienced the loss of all four grandparents, but I was never very close to them, and their passing didn’t seem to affect me more than a momentary sadness and then watching my parents handle the loss.
Holidays and Birthdays
Caleb passed away on October 30th, and we were immediately into Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year. With two other kiddos, one of whom isn’t fully aware of what’s happened, we didn’t want the holidays to be focused on mourning or grief. So rather than focusing on how we might deal with holidays without one of our children, our focus was on how we were going to do the holidays with the other two.
Right after Christmas and New Year, we are into birthdays. All of our boys were born in January. Today is Caleb’s 17th birthday. On a raw note, of mind today are the things that we won’t get to see with him. There will be no getting a learner’s permit or driver’s license, no joy of his first girlfriend, no graduation, no first job, or watching him continue to excel at his musical ambitions, no celebration of finally beating the diagnosis on this side of eternity.
Those are the things that are easy to focus on. What’s sometimes harder is to imagine him today, standing before our Savior, worshipping him, knowing that he’s experiencing that we’re there with him already, even when we haven’t experienced that yet for ourselves (yeah, that’s a mind-warping perspective shared with me by a dear friend who comes from a Jewish tradition…Love you, Dixie!).
Beyond today, we still have one more birthday to get through celebrate, which is our youngest. He turns 8 this year and has yet to have a real birthday party of his own where he’ll engage. He’s developmentally to the point where he will, and we’re planning to throw him a party with a few friends from his therapy center who all deal with similar developmental challenges. These are both joyous and equally challenging times because of the dichotomous nature of joy of our kids here with us while experiencing the loss of the one who’s not.
Lesson on Grief
I feel like there are a few lessons that I’m learning right now. First, the words of Jesus from Luke 9:60 keep moving through my mind, “Let the dead bury their own dead, but you go and proclaim the kingdom of God.” (NIV) That seems like a strange passage to resonate with right after losing a child, doesn’t it? Is that saying we shouldn’t have buried our son, or that we shouldn’t grieve that loss in our lives?
I don’t think so. What keeps standing out to me as I ponder that verse is that we have to grieve, but that we cannot let that grief rule our lives. God has given us a mission that is too important, including our other two children. Like soldiers in any war, we cannot stop because someone in our unit has died, but we have to keep fighting. This mission is to continue reflecting God’s love, mercy and compassion to those around us.
So how do I honor my son on his birthday when I can’t celebrate it with him? By continuing to share the journey, by remembering him and joining with his spirit in worship of our risen Savior, in whose presence he now sits, rests and….LIVES….in a way we cannot yet fully understand.
Are you experiencing a loss and trying to understand how to handle the grief? There’s a group that we’ve joined that creates a safe space to remember and journey through the grief process together. It’s called GriefShare, and I’d recommend finding one in your area.
There’s so much more to share, but I’ll break that up into other posts. In the next post, I’ll share an epiphany about parenting and kids that I had recently while reading through Genesis, so keep your eyes open for that post.
Whether you’re just joining us on this journey, or you’ve been around for a while, thank you for joining in. No matter what you’re experiencing in life right now, I pray that today you experience God in a deeper and fuller way than you ever have. It’d be my joy to talk with you about encountering God, simply reach out, and let’s connect.
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